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Hey! YOU! yea, I'm still here... been a long time| | Waitaminute.
have you seen this recently?
Apparently, Xanga keeps on changing, and I totally missed everything. I had to click on, the button that said go back to the "old style"... I was just too confused.
Anywho, my once annual update? good idea? psh why not.
MKAY, so it looks like last entry was July 2007. It now is mid may 2008. Dad came home from the hospital in the late October with no stomach tube or anything, and had to go back in the beginning of December because he didn't eat enough. Because he wasn't eating, he lost energy, and when he lost energy, it was more difficult to eat. So they put another stomach tube in him and we brought him home in time for Christmas. I spent new years at the purple house, thanks to Jessica Nobles' masquerade ball thing (deliciously delightful and rowdy, by the way).
When dad was in the hospital before he came home in October and when he went back in December, my mother (sometimes) and I (mostly) stayed with him, so that he wouldn't be alone and so that if he needed anything we could get it for him, because he was not entirely capable of summoning help from the nurses, who, frankly were sub-par.
When dad came home, my responsibilities shifted from being his son and personal go-fer, to being a full time caregiver and assistant. I dress him, give him showers, feed him, give him his meds, administer physical therapy, turn him at night to prevent bed sores, lift him out of bed into a wheelchair, move him where ever he needs to go, assist him going to the restroom,and do all the small things that need to be done during the day in the life of a person. I've been doing that since he came home and I am ALWAYS on call. If he needs something at 4 in the morning, I get it, or if he needs to move to go to the bathroom or whatever, I'm there. It is a tiresome responsibility, but one I could never give up.
I broke up with rose in, oh, january or something, I didn't mark the day. We broke up for the simple reason that she was not and is not my top priority. She didn't mind playing second fiddle to dad (or so she said), but she couldn't understand why I didn't spend all my free time, which was few and far between, with her. I tried several times to explain my need for the company of my peers and the people who I called my friends, but I think that she felt I was avoiding her, which while initially wasn't the case, became more true as time wore on. I did not like being told how to spend my time or be criticized on how i chose to spend it, and it became a wedge between us. We broke up and I am still single. I heard from Panabecker that she has a new boyfriend, but that doesn't really bother me too much. I think that I need to avoid the serious dating scene for now, because I really don't think i have the capability for devoting the attention needed to a relationship with someone right now.
Also, I think it was in January that i got kicked off of my churches youth leadership team for not ratting out some kids who were drinking at an event for the church. It was a flimsy excuse to throw me out, but they decided that out of high school teens shouldn't mix with just in high school kids, which is understandable. It is really unfortunate for me however, because doing youth leadership activities took up approximately 75% of my free time, and it was something I really enjoyed doing. I now have almost no meaningful connection to my church, and the only thing that I'm involved in is teaching 1st grade Sunday school. While that is gratifying in it's own way, I really crave a connection with people my age at my church... It really has made me feel left out.
Dad was receiving in-home therapy until about January, when the insurance ran out and no one gave a rats ass about dad improving, but were satisfied with just having him stabilized. Well that shit isn't gonna fly with me, so I've been researching and coming up with my own therapy regimen that gets dad a little more active than a couch potato that everyone seemed fine with him being. I also have been pounding the phones almost daily with insurance and the doctors to try to get something besides my hobbled-together workout for dad. I want him to walk again damn it, and I will not settle for anything less.
I think sometimes that that line of thinking is a little bit selfish. My drive to see dad walk is in part fueled by my desire to be done with taking care of him. I'm sick and tired of being here in this house. I want to leave, find a job, live my own life. I mean, I know I could never leave here if dad needed me, because that's the kind of person i am. But my whole life is thrown off because of this. I'm not going to be going to a real college, I'm not begin a career, I see no serious relationships down the road for me, and most of all, I know I will never get this time in my life back. I'm going to wake up one day, 32, still living at home, hopefully with dad still here, and absolutely nothing to show off of myself for the past dozen years. Yeah, I could always point to dad and say, I took care of him, and no one would say that it was a waste, but damn it, I want something for myself. I wanted to be done with school by the age 25, not barely getting back into the rhythm of it. I wanted to be settled down in a career by 30, not looking for a starting position in any capacity.
Look at my 20th birthday, I tried to make a big deal about it, tried to drum it up as an important marking of time. It was supposed to be the big one, to make up for having to spend my 19th in the hospital outside the ICU worrying that my dad was going to die that day. I planned to be doing something each of the 7 days that week, but when I think about it, the only description i can muster is "lackluster." Here's a rundown of my birthday presents: some cupcakes, a pocket knife, a Frisbee (all from Amy and George), and a beanie from my sister with the mascot of her chosen college. My own mother didn't get me anything. The entire week fell short of expectations, what with people complaining about my party (which less than 20 people even came to) and how not a single person showed up for my BBQ for 3 hours while the $100 I SPENT on food went cold...
It bothers me that so few people care enough about me to share that time with me, and it feels like someone doesn't think i deserve to be celebrated. Well heck, I know I'm not a saint or anything, but I think this last year of my life has been pretty commendable. Is it wrong that i want some recognition, some affection shown to me?
bleh, this turned into a pity party and that wasn't my intention.
Back to a summation. Febuary and March held nothing of true importance, April, my birthday, and Yesterday, May 12th, dad got the stomach tube removed.
I don't recall mentioning this is previous entries, and I know it belongs somewhere earlier in this entry but Jeremiah officially entered the marines the first week of November (?) and headed out to boot camp shortly before thanksgiving. He came home in February and impressed us all with his marked difference in appearance and increased strength.
Whatever. Jeremiah knows when he is going to be shipped to Iraq. That scares me to no end.
thats all for now.
| | | Posted 5/13/2008 5:40 AM - 36 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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